Emotional-diarrhea

The colossal 'fuckeries' of expectation appear almost instantly, in little pieces of everyday. In a choice reaction , in an action, even in words fucking unsaid. It takes an inch in the wrong direction for the entire deck to crash and burn. Sometimes we expect unknowingly, yearning for that extra moment, that additional heart emoji, that extra one-up from a particular somebody. Upon realisation of our unconscious, selfish intentions, there is guilt, strange obscene guilt. We are left ashamed of our own silent inhibitions. Blaming ourselves to have expected anything at all. Expectations fucking suck. But maybe it is within our rights to expect? When all the signs have been ticked check, when the mood has been set, the words have been said, things have come undone and tears have been shed - even if only under the influence- what's said was said-so... maybe it is not shameful to have expected. Because expectations are all but mortal traits and today You & I ...

If you were to fall If I were to fall would it really matter ? We aren't keys on a grand piano without us the song still plays on - even if we were we are an easy replacement an easy fix a species forever reproducing. For every two dead four are born to replace every second of every day. so does it matter? Zooming out of the close-up staring down from outer space can you see the bigger picture? We exist like dominoes in a way larger mosaic maybe those closest to us maybe they'd throb,  for a bit, in shock . But they'd go back to standing while we'd still be fallen. So, do we really matter ?

Lying in strange arms I am constantly looking for myself in everyday places, within smiling, moon, faces in warm embraces and lingering, meaningless kisses I am constantly searching for pieces of myself I've misplaced in the wars that were meant not to deteriorate but re-decorate my personality with strength and fortitude and love. but with the remodelling came changes changes under-estimated until I craved the old - the had beens. Cravings so strong I stared at them forced reactions from myself And I tried . I tried so hard -looking at him as though I was in love with his deep blue eyes, sinking dimples dopey smile. I felt my fingers caress his cheek longingly, slowly, across his ragged evening shadow I tried desperately to feel, soaking in  his alcohol-induced warmth I was searching for myself I was pushing myself to believe an elaborate illusion -An illusion of  me falling head over heels crazy...

The darkness eats at me  creeping onto my skin  goosebumps in domino effect I can no longer protect  myself from falling into the sin  -of expectation.   Seldom do I give in  But tonight , I’m losing my mind . Tired of running,  away from possibilities  Overwhelmed by bottled up  insecurities  Losing faith in the prospect of the perfect One.  

I feel so helpless They do not care , We become so caught up in our own lives ,  -Why?  because, of what little I can do Nothing I say will  ever  be enough; To actually make a change And that frustrates me . I am just a pawn  forced to live in a world manipulated by scheming politicians, billionaire dons, fascist leaders,  radical deviants each fuelled by their own  agendas Toward world domination, They do not care when a few of us bear the brunt of their declarations They simply see their own  'bigger picture' where we; we are simply a statistic And that frustrates me . Because to be successful today; You have to be hard-wired to see "the bigger picture" You have to be able 'qualified' to Exclude the minor details The minor details; in this case include people; people with lives ahead of them , family, ambitions, dreams, love . ...