Emotional-diarrhea

I remember as a child being given a doll. I can't remember her name but a vivid picture of her still remains in memory. She was a hand-me-down doll, about 50 centimetres tall, with forever gaping blue eyes and dead-straight brown hair. I remember cradling her, bathing her, changing her. I remember using my mother's shawl to make a cot. With its edges strung across the door handle I'd rock her to and fro off to sleep like she was my baby. She was the first of many dolls I owned throughout my childhood. The first of many baby dolls that planted the seed of desiring motherhood in my heart. I have always wanted to be a mother. My mother was and still is my role model in so many ways - when I think of being mother. When I think of motherhood I see a safe haven, I see trust, unconditional love, sacrifice, loyalty, I think of undying perseverance. I see a full time gig I'd take in a heartbeat every time.  I guess that's why I felt completely and utterly barren w...

I'm afraid and I'm restless. B is going to have surgery next week. I'm so scared for him. I'm praying for him to recover well inshaAllah. I feel for him so much - he's been through so much in his childhood, as a young adult and even now. There's a sense of such helpless now because as his child I want to help me so badly, but I can't really do anything. I want to make him so proud of me. I want to look after him myself. I'm so desperate to show him he has me with him in a meaningful way. Your parents spend so much time looking after you, you expect them to care for you. At a point in time the roles reverse and you should return the favour. I want to return the favour. And I need him to be around. I desperately need him around.