Fate:

Lying in strange arms

I am constantly looking for myself
in everyday places,
within smiling, moon, faces
in warm embraces
and lingering, meaningless kisses

I am constantly searching
for pieces of myself
I've misplaced in the wars
that were meant
not to deteriorate
but re-decorate
my personality
with strength
and fortitude
and love.

but with the remodelling
came changes
changes under-estimated until
I craved the old
- the had beens.

Cravings so strong
I stared at them
forced reactions
from myself

And I tried .

I tried so hard

-looking at him

as though I was in love

with his deep blue

eyes, sinking dimples

dopey smile.

I felt my fingers caress his cheek

longingly,

slowly,

across his ragged evening shadow

I tried desperately

to feel,

soaking in 

his alcohol-induced warmth

I was searching for myself

I was pushing myself

to believe an elaborate illusion

-An illusion

of  me falling

head over heels

crazy and free

unreal fantasy

why?

because I want to remember

how falling feels again.