Posts
Expect nothing?
The colossal 'fuckeries' of expectation appear almost instantly, in little pieces of everyday. In a choice reaction , in an action, even in words fucking unsaid. It takes an inch in the wrong direction for the entire deck to crash and burn. Sometimes we expect unknowingly, yearning for that extra moment, that additional heart emoji, that extra one-up from a particular somebody. Upon realisation of our unconscious, selfish intentions, there is guilt, strange obscene guilt. We are left ashamed of our own silent inhibitions. Blaming ourselves to have expected anything at all. Expectations fucking suck. But maybe it is within our rights to expect? When all the signs have been ticked check, when the mood has been set, the words have been said, things have come undone and tears have been shed - even if only under the influence- what's said was said-so... maybe it is not shameful to have expected. Because expectations are all but mortal traits and today You & I ...
Loss
If you were to fall If I were to fall would it really matter ? We aren't keys on a grand piano without us the song still plays on - even if we were we are an easy replacement an easy fix a species forever reproducing. For every two dead four are born to replace every second of every day. so does it matter? Zooming out of the close-up staring down from outer space can you see the bigger picture? We exist like dominoes in a way larger mosaic maybe those closest to us maybe they'd throb, for a bit, in shock . But they'd go back to standing while we'd still be fallen. So, do we really matter ?
Lying in strange arms I am constantly looking for myself in everyday places, within smiling, moon, faces in warm embraces and lingering, meaningless kisses I am constantly searching for pieces of myself I've misplaced in the wars that were meant not to deteriorate but re-decorate my personality with strength and fortitude and love. but with the remodelling came changes changes under-estimated until I craved the old - the had beens. Cravings so strong I stared at them forced reactions from myself And I tried . I tried so hard -looking at him as though I was in love with his deep blue eyes, sinking dimples dopey smile. I felt my fingers caress his cheek longingly, slowly, across his ragged evening shadow I tried desperately to feel, soaking in his alcohol-induced warmth I was searching for myself I was pushing myself to believe an elaborate illusion -An illusion of me falling head over heels crazy...