Emotional-diarrhea

When I saw you for the first time, and when I say for the first time, I mean the first time I 'SAW' you - I remember thinking to myself how goddamn sexy you looked when you were seriously focused, made me think Yup, this boy, I could marry this boy. I felt so sure when the thought crossed my mind. It was so definite and its weird because if you know me, I'm as indecisive as they come... You. you. you. you calm me like the ocean does.

Corny motherfucking shit You You You You can you extract the narcism from your skin or is it here to stay like the goals you never seem to reach What do you want? Do you want money? fame? a big house? a great body? someone who loves you? Or do you need people (plural) to love you? What drives you crazy alive is it the pain or the expectation attached to your name do you even want what you already have, anymore? strip away your clout for what reason good enough is this attitude for? You are but one in 6 billion an atom mentally astray Peace, you need peace you need to strip yourself completely who are you?

If anyone asked me what my favourite place in the world would be I'd say : "Amongst the waves". I think its the feeling of being completely submerged in the sea brings inner peace. With nothing but water as far as the eye can wander I am left with the temporary feeling of certainty. I am fascinated by all versions of the sea. Oh sea, you are the reflection of my Lord's greatness. Nothing man-made can come close to that which He has created... My favourite place. My heart longs for the sea and all the emotions it awakens within me.

Little girl remember the many dreams dreamt for you, Remember the tears wept, the pain bore, for the life you have now.  Little girl remember to conceal your pain,   and paint a smile across your face,  because little girl nothing can be not-okay when everything  was arranged for you.  Little girl smile and be chirpier, when you answer the phone don't let your anxiety bubble through the cord,  because little girl depression is a mental illness,  and no child of mine will be called insane.  Little girl remember, remember, the dreams dreamt for you.

When in pristine plastic boxes the child craves the toy for it is new and undiscovered When she is expensive the man craves the woman for she is new and undiscovered When bought and opened the child plays and is satisfied -until he wears out and the toy is now old and known When she succumbs to sweet gestures the man plays and is satisfied until he wears out of the face he once ravished of the body he once craved of the heart he once wanted to conquer she is now known and unwanted.

Maybe we need to hurt first, to be able to fully value what is true 

What happened to her?  She jumps through hoops of fire, she is attracted to the flame.  I feel like shit today.  I feel like I am broken. I feel entangled inside. I don't know what to do. But I do know what to do at the same time. I'm internally at war with myself. My desires vs. the desires of my parents. I am the glue that binds them, and now I have no voice. At one point I could have said no. I could have. But after I became scarred at fourteen, I no longer feel like I deserve the right to love whom I please. I have to constantly remind myself that they love me more than anyone else could. I hurt so bad when I let go. I give in to temptation momentarily. Then I let go. And its like ripping off a band aid. Applying it. Ripping it. Applying it. Ripping it. The same wound, new band aids. Soon the wound is infected. No time to heal, it is now a gaping, festering, hole. A hole that is rotting my soul from the inside, leaving me empty of hope. I don't blame h...