What happened to her? 

She jumps through hoops of fire, she is attracted to the flame. 

I feel like shit today. 

I feel like I am broken. I feel entangled inside. I don't know what to do. But I do know what to do at the same time. I'm internally at war with myself. My desires vs. the desires of my parents. I am the glue that binds them, and now I have no voice. At one point I could have said no. I could have. But after I became scarred at fourteen, I no longer feel like I deserve the right to love whom I please. I have to constantly remind myself that they love me more than anyone else could. I hurt so bad when I let go. I give in to temptation momentarily. Then I let go. And its like ripping off a band aid. Applying it. Ripping it. Applying it. Ripping it. The same wound, new band aids. Soon the wound is infected. No time to heal, it is now a gaping, festering, hole. A hole that is rotting my soul from the inside, leaving me empty of hope. I don't blame him completely. I know his circumstances created him. I know I was just caught up in his hurricane trail. But I cannot forgive him. I cannot forgive him from the innocence he stole. In a way I feel like he stole my youth, opening the blinds shading me from stark reality too early. I had no twilight phase. I was forced to become an adult at fourteen. I can never have my innocence back. 

How can I fight for love when love failed me?

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